[ don't let a number define you ]

HELLO LOVES.

Well, I've been slacking on my blog. I've been focusing on ME. 
for once, psh, I know - selfish me!

I'm sending a 'Thank you' to all those that keep me going, keep me focused, stay on top of me and keep me responsible for my actions. My number one is my husband, Bill. He has never ever judged me for my weight. He has never said anything about my weight until I fell into a depression and he realized I probably wasn't going to get out of it unless he said something. When I lost my father Bill didn't say much about how I ate or took care of myself, looking back I wish he would have, but I know why he didn't. January 2013 I weighed in at 185 lbs. My jaw dropped. How could my husband not say anything? How could he just know I was steadily gaining weight but not say anything? How could he know that I was killing my own body but not say anything? Better yet, how did I let myself get to this point? So, I had a plan. Once again to make my new year's resolution to loose weight. But I was never this heavy [Heaviest before this was 175 lbs]. He pushed me every day. Three months I stayed dedicated, lost 15 pounds, I fell off, got back on, fell off got back on. I lost 25 lbs in 2013. January 2014 I weighed in at 160 lbs. 
I will not let that number define me 
But I wanted more out of myself, I was still not happy with the image I saw in the mirror even if the 'number' was better. January 2014 I meal prepped every single week, I stuck to eating healthy. [EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE MEAL AT BDUBS, GAR!!] Week after week I would weigh in and see if that number changed. Actually who am I kidding I weighed in every single day. It never changed. February 4th I began 'Lean Body Challenge' its pretty much telling me that 'you are putting yourself in starvation mode even though you are eating healthy and working out. you have to feed your body with the correct nutrition to see what you want to see'. I thought to myself .. 'I'm not starving, I'm not hungry.' But GUESS WHAT, I did many things to research how much I should be eating and blah blah blah - SURPRISE the 'Lean Body Challenge' was correct, upped those calories to 1500-1600 for just one week and I lost 5.5 lbs .. but
I will not let that number define me

WEEK ONE is gone. Let me just let you in on a secret. Week One consisted of joining the 'Lean Body Challenge' to become a better me. Yes, I've been doing it 'my' way for a year now. Yes, I've been getting somewhere. BUT I am now committed to doing it the way that I've been instructed to do, and I am now committed to getting further. With this 'Lean Body Challenge' I have a meal plan to follow, tells you what to eat, when to eat, why you should it these things at specific times - things I thought I knew but had no idea. Week one also consisted of me upping my calorie intake to 1500 - 1600 calories a day [HOLY HELL]! This was really hard but I did not know that I wasn't eating enough, who judges how much you eat? WELL. I started eating, I felt like I never stopped eating and all I could think about was 'HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I EVER LOOSE WEIGHT or INCHES THIS WAY?'

WEEK ONE, DAY ONE. 160.4 lbs START.
Breakfast: Six Egg whites and a Kale Smoothie
Kale Smoothie:
-Two handfulls of Kale
-Five Strawberries
-Half of a Banana
-Four slices of an apple
-Four slices of an orange

Snack: Dannon Light and Fit Greek Yogurt
[add some fresh fruit if you want]

Lunch: 6oz of Chicken, 1/4 cup of black beans, 1/4 cup of Pico De Gallo
on a CORN TORTILLA WRAP [MY FAVORITE MEAL]

Snack/Pre-Workout: Two lightly salted gluten free Rice Cakes with two tbsp of PB

Dinner: 6oz of meat (chicken or salmon) with 1/2 cup of broccoli, 
1/2 black beans and 1/2 green beans.

Late Night Snack: Protein Shake or Dannon Light and Fit Greek Yogurt

It's not exactly 1500 - 1600 calories, but I am trying. 
WEEK ONE. DAY SEVEN. 154.9 lbs FINISH.

I will not let that number define me 
Even though when I weighed in I threw a party in the bathroom. 

I set a FOUR WEEK goal to loose 5 lbs, so by March 4th I would weigh in at 155.4 but as it stands I've beat it. Now I have to set a new goal. Even if I do not drop pounds in the next three weeks I plan to drop inches. I plan to increase my actual strength. One thing I want to work on is my pull ups and my push ups. I have a weak upper body. I am not afraid to admit that. If I stay at 154.9 lbs but in three weeks I am better at doing pull ups and push ups, I'll still pat myself on the back. 

As I move into WEEK TWO I have noticed my drive is stronger. I want this more than I ever have before. I have the urge to eat extremely clean and feel bad for anyone who has the effects of bad food. Right before I took this challenge I ate at Buffalo Wild Wings, I had FIVE BONELESS WINGS and a desert with my husband. The whole next day I laid in bed sick as a dog. I never want to feel that way again, I never want to have to pay for what I ate. So after I leave the gym, I feel lean and MEAN. ARGH. But as a person, I feel great.

Thank you to everyone who is here for me. 
I can never ever repay you for your support.

[ what to be thankful for ]

My mind has been full of emotions here lately. I have not wrote since well Thursday, shame on me. Right? The weekend was great - I finally got to spend some time with  my incredible hubby & it was Dixie free - because she went to Nana's house. Nana is my momma. Friday night was nice, hubby and I got a movie and fell asleep nice and early. Saturday we were busy, I ran some errands - have a hair appointment. OH I put this great color in my hair and fell in love [ THANKS ASH! ]. Had lunch with my great friend Jackie and baby Grey! Then headed home, cooked dinner and a few friends came over and sat around the fire. 

Sunday morning hubby and I went to go get breakfast, our usual Southland Snack Bar [ man oh man, nothing like some home cookin ]. Then I went to spend some time with my momma and get Dixie! Oh I was so glad to see Dixie! She came home, she missed daddy! 

Well this time of year is hard, we are into year two with out you daddy. I'm emotional and I'm on edge, a lot. I don't know how to change that or if it'll just go away. A lot of things I do will have my daddy on my mind and each day I wake up I'm thankful for those 23 years I did spend with him. I'm not thankful as often as I should be, but family is my what I am most thankful for. 

A few things about me: 

1. When I say good-bye, I have to hear "I love you" and if I don't I will call you back. 

2. If I am telling you good-bye to your face, I have to hear "I love you" and get a kiss&hug.

3. I do not like falling asleep - so much can happen in that 8 hours. 

4. I'm scared to death when my mother travels. 

5. I do not like knowing tomorrow is not promised. 

So for the days God gives me with the people he has placed in my life, I'm thankful. Some years might last longer than others, but I promise to make all the years we spend together count. I never want to live with the thoughts of "we should have done this or that". 

A lot of people don't get or understand the loss of a parent, please count your blessings, but it's not easy. The person who brought you into this world, the person who taught you to crawl, stand, walk, talk - all of the above, the person who loves you more than any single person, the person who has put you first, the person who has made their life decisions solely on you, the person who you call when you've received a job promotion, the person who cheers you on at graduation, the person who walks you down the isle [in my case], the person who sees you fall in love, the person who always tells you everything will be alright is gone. I am left here. Yes I have my mother, the most wonderful mother, my best friend. But I no longer have my fathers word, his touch, his kiss ... I no longer hear those words "I love you baby girl" and it's hard. 

So the next time you pick a fight, or pick on someone - know that their tough skin isn't always tough. They could be fighting the same battle as me. be kind. Most of all be understanding.

I will always have rough days and I know this. Again why I am thankful for my family, they are living the same struggle as me - we will always have each other to lean on. Also, my friends, the ones who have remembered what I am going through in their crazy hectic lives, I am so thankful for you devotion. I will never be able to put it into words. 

Two people who've never let me down through the roughest time of my life are my greatest friends. I have to give a huge thanks to these two: 

Elizabeth ; my giggle twin. You were the first, the first to know - not only about  my daddy, but everything about me - my family - my life. You were the one I called when my world came crumbling down. You were the one who I could always count on, snow storm, hailing, noreastern, anything you'd be there. But I am so thankful for you, on that day, you rushed to my mother. You were the first one to get to her, give all your love. You stayed with me all day. You never once wanted to leave me. With you by my side, I knew I was okay, I knew that my daddy knew I was safe. I love you, each and every single day - you are my very best friend. <3 

Lauren ; my best boo friend. If you know anything about Lauren and I - we have been through all the lows and highs a teenage friendship can bring. But when my father passed she stood by my side - never left my side - she cried when I cried and held me when I needed to be held. She'd always remind me to call her or text her when I needed her. She never would let me be alone, always checking on me. You have been a HUGE blessing, and you have shown me that God has a way of timing, I am so thankful for you and our friendship. I love you Boo. 

Okay Okay, enough with the tears. I gotta swallow this sadness and remember daddy wouldn't want it to this way ... 

Always remember to be thankful. 

[ oh hello day two ]

Today it's overcast here in Moyock, NC. Oh by the way that is where I live now. It says it's going to be cloudy, but I see that beautiful sun peeking on through to add smiles to everyone's day! However, I'm listening to "Drink a Beer" by Luke Bryan. Man oh Man this song will make you want to just ball your eyes out. 

Well ... well ... high school. As a freshman, I carried over friends I'd met in middle school. Needless did I know that high school was going to huge growing experience .. friendships build, friendships break, puppy love, heartache and craziness all in one. My freshman year I had a good friend, Melissa, we had a pretty tight bond. She introduced me to music, she probably never knew that - but she has a love for music that I've never really seen. OH & SHE CAN SING! We'd spend nearly every weekend with each other. Nothing too exciting happened my freshman year, just kind of getting my feet wet. My sophomore year came fast and I am sure I met some really great people - I got to drive half of my sophomore year, so that was a plus! 

OH LETS GET SIDE TRACKED FOR A MINUTE! Soooo. When I was getting to be old enough to drive [ this is during my sophomore year ] my parents kept asking me what I wanted for a car, blah blah blah. I knew I would not be getting a "hand me down" so I was kind of anxious to see what it would be. Well I came home one day, mom and dad said we're going to get dinner. Did not think anything of it. But some how we ended up at my dad's work. He said "do you like it?", I said "what?", he said "get out and look at it!" I didn't really know what to say, what to do. I was floored. I remember driving home from there just smiling from ear to ear. SURPRISE!! I just got my first vehicle AND it was exactly what I wanted, a Jeep Grand Cherokee; white one at that! When we got home my mom asked how I liked it, and all I do was smile. I am so lucky to have such generous and caring parents! 

Okay, back to school. Junior year, was fun. I began meeting more and more people, exploring with my high school friendships. But I mainly stayed to myself [ as I stated in a early post .. I went to school for school and sports ]. My senior year was my best year at Cox for "finding myself". I rekindled a lot of friendships but most of all I made new friendships. I met Bill in April of my senior year. I got to introduce him to my friends - of course they all fell in love! But most of all PROM! Oh my dress, daddy hated! But I rocked it and Bill LOVED it. I made his mouth drop! Prom was a blast, I got a little bit uhhhh you know. We played tag in the house, that was interesting. We had an awesome beer pong table. 99 Apples will NEVER be consumed again, ever. Graduation was fun! My parents had a family friend throw me a really great party, the food was awesome! We danced all night! Bill got to meet most of my family, they loved him! At this point we were a few months in and I was head over heels for him! 

After graduation I began college, ugh, more school. I was not a great student at all. I hated school. While I was in college I started working full time at Sundays Blue Box Tanning Resort and I loved my job [THANKS GIRLS!] I quit college. I was not focused. I felt that I needed to thrive and make money. I left SBBTR after 6 years, I went to work for FBA for 2 years and now I am a Sales and Marketing Coordinator for Hockmeyer Equipment Corporation.

Now lets fill in a few blanks - some struggles. When I left high school I started to gain weight. I did not understand where it was coming from at first only because the slight idea of being active in high school slipped my mind. Graduating high school at 110 lbs was awesome, welllll a year later I'm 135 lbs. And my boyfriend still loves me? but yet I hate my body? I was young, I thought ohhh I'll loose the weight no worries, well 135 lbs became 140 then 155 then 165 [mind you this is over three years I had put on 55 pounds! FIFTY FIVE! do you see that? FiveFive! Shut the front door, I've officially let myself go. I was depressed, I hated what I was doing to my body and I knew I was doing it. When Bill proposed to me a made a promise to take care of myself from that day forward and I began, I got down to 144 on our wedding day [May 21, 2011], and I felt incredible. I wasn't looking to be 110 again. I wanted to feel good. After the wedding I of course went back to my old ways! WHY? WHY? WHY? I can no give you the answer, I have no answer. I began the struggle all over again. 

I feel like one day I will win. For now, this is my battle.

[ here is to day one ]

Hi. I'm Amanda. I'm 25 years old. I'm married to my absolute best friend, I can promise you that you will learn all about him through my posts. I wanted to begin blogging since my life took an unexpected turn April of 2012 [which you will hear about later on, probably every blog - this will help healing]. I've been inspired by a few people who have blogged because of unexpected events in their life, and it seems to help them. Having all different kinds of inspiration has helped, even from people you don't even know. I was once told "You are human, you were born to be real - not perfect" - with that I know that I will be happy, I will be sad, I will laugh, I will cry, I will have major highs, major lows, and some "in-betweens". It's knowing how to deal with it all, with your own heart, your own confidence. I'm learning.

Now a little about ME. I'm from Virginia Beach [a beautiful place]. My mother and father moved here in the early 80's to start a life [believe me, I wasn't on the way - yet!]. I grew up loving the beach, that salty air! I have a younger brother, Bradley (18) and an older sister Monica (37). My brother lives here with me, we see each other weekly. He is growing into a young man and it's crazy. I love him so much! My sister lives in Colorado with her family, I don't see her as much as I'd like and we are no where close enough, but I know she will always be there when I need her, my brother needs her and even when my mother needs her. She is an awesome person and I love her more than she knows. Growing up I wanted to be a Tennis player, never a day in my life have I played Tennis - so what gave me that idea I have no clue. However, my parents introduced me to softball and that became my thing. My father was my coach from the day I started to the day I said "good-bye". He taught me so much about the sport, but more so about life. I went on the field (sometimes I like to act like the "field" is every day life - if that makes sense) as if it was going to be my very last game and played my heart out. I played with all I had, I was competitive, I didn't like to loose - but I was okay with it because every time I lost, it taught me "I'm Real" ... and if I was "perfect" I'd win every single time, but I'm not. I'm Real. I met a lifetime friend when I began playing, Katherine <34. We were the dynamic duo. When I became a big sister, I never knew a love could be so strong. I never knew that anyone else would be a fine mix of my mother and father. I never knew my mother could love someone else so much as she loved me. I never knew how much a father believes his son will be dedicated and hard working like him. But I began to know what life was going to be like years down the road for me. I was a wild child - my parents started focusing on my brother more, which I was fine with [from what I remember]. But I was also a goody goody. I told my parents everything and when I said everything I mean everything! When I got older and I had friends who did the "teenage" stuff, I would tell my parents, I would confide in my parents when I wouldn't know what to do. But I also reminded my friends, just because I don't do those things, doesn't mean we can't be friends, doesn't mean you can't call me for a ride, doesn't mean you can't come to my house when you know you can't go home. I was always the "go-to" friend. I think I was born without a back bone at times. I think my heart is pure gold [sometimes it needs some polishing when I'm down]. But for the most part .. I love everyone. I do not pass judgement. I will love you endlessly. High school was not the best four years of my life, but that be because I didn't go to school with my best friends; granted I did have friends in high school - they were just not my best friends. I had friends at Salem, Bayside, Kellam, First Colonial, Princess Anne and Hickory. I went to school for school and sports. I was on the softball team and I think this where God told me enough was a enough, put your backbone together. As I have stated previously, my father taught me so much about this sport. And one thing he taught me was "you don't take any shit". My senior year at Frank. W. Cox [supposed to be the BEST year], I walked on the field, an hour before game day .. jersey in hand - not on .. my hands were shaking .. I looked the Coach dead in the eye and said "I will not be playing today, tomorrow or the rest of the year". I had done it. I had stood up for myself. I had put my feelings in my hands, and handled them. However, I walked away feeling I'd let my parents down because they taught me love this sport and I did SO much. I have a love for softball that is unconditional, but I had a Coach that made softball a "chore". I did not once care to win, I did not once care to try my hardest and I sure as hell did not once care to be who I knew I was. When I broke the news to my parents, I wrote them a letter, I couldn't face them. I was scared, my backbone was taken away, again. Yes, they were upset but they knew I had to do what was best for me. During this crazy hectic time I met this crazy little country boy, William [now my husband!]. We started seeing each other in April of 2007. Man oh Man! I was crazy about this boy - he was like no other. Mind you, the first day we met .. I did tell him "one day, I'm going to marry you!". hmm, and look where we stand. We dated for 4 years, then we got married. He is my absolute soul mate, my best friend.

Now between 2007 and now A LOT has happened, of course. But I'm not sure if I want to fill in the blanks just yet. Of course, if you have questions - ask. I love telling stories, better yet, hearing stories.

"I promise to be better tomorrow than I am today"